Hi and intro.
Hi! I’m Steve and I’m currently beginning my recovery from a very long bout with depression. It’s been about 8 weeks since I started therapy and medication and my life has totally begun to turn around. My experience may not be fancy or exceptional, and I’m probably not different from anyone who might be interested in this blog but that’s why I wanted to write it. My life is finally beginning to change and flourish in what feels like a million different positive ways and I wanted to share that, and share that it is possible to feel better, to recover.
Let me start by sharing a bit about where I was previously…
I’ve been in some state of depression (ranging from mild to severe) since I was about 21. As the years past, the symptoms of the depression began to feel more and more like normal life until a point comes when the depression really is the norm and feelings of genuine happiness, pleasure, and contentment feel so distant and vague that they almost no longer exist. And since the depression feels like the norm, you begin to believe that it really is and that there isn’t anything actually wrong with you, but rather that this is just what life is like. Because of this, you don’t necessarily feel compelled to change it. The feeling is more like the loss of a loved one; it hurts but there’s nothing you can do to change it so you just deal with the pain.
Depression manifests itself in different ways for different people. For me, depression broke down and nearly completely destroyed my sense of self worth. I never had the feeling that those around me didn’t love or care for me, but rather, my struggle was that I was not worthy of that love and affection. It was because of this feeling that I spent years slowly distancing and isolating myself from those who cared most about me. My depression convinced me that I was unworthy of even knowing these people and that their lives were negatively affected simply by my presence in it. If you’re currently struggling with depression, or have in the past, you probably know what this feels like. It’s less than fun.
For years the depression ate through my relationships, eroding away many good friendships, potential romances, family ties…you name it I destroyed it. All of this was because I genuinely felt like I was meant to be alone, to be unloved. And the depression lead me to believe that these feelings were normal and that they were ok. There was always a nagging feeling somewhere inside me that maybe this wasn’t ok, maybe it wasn’t meant to be this way. But again, the depression tells you it’s normal and ok, and so until a friend of mine finally twisted my arm and convinced me that I should see a doctor and maybe give some therapy and medication a try.
I can tell you that, 8 weeks later, the decision was one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself in my entire life. As stated in this blog’s title, I am definitely still recovering. Depression may be one of those things that you recover from for your entire life. And maybe it’s too early to say that I’m better, I certainly haven’t fixed everything in my life yet, in fact I could slip back into that depression some time. What I can say is that at this moment I feel genuinely better and healthier than I have in a very long time, possibly ever.
So what I’ll be blogging about are the changes I’m feeling on a daily basis. There are still struggles I go through, the medicine and the therapy, they haven’t made all of my personal issues vanish in 8 weeks. What they have done is given me the tools and the capability to start sorting through, understanding and dealing with each individual issue so that I feel like I’m making strides towards improving my life in the ways that feel profound and long lasting.
I know this post was long, and was probably an information overload, but I’d just like to leave you with this; life is too short to feel miserable for no reason. Real grief is good, and healthy and an emotion that helps life feel more vibrant during the good times, but cold, numbing misery is a thief and if you’re feeling that. Please consider seeking some form of help. From someone starting to come out the other side, it really is amazing how good you can feel (especially when you didn’t even know it was possible to feel this good). And hey, we can walk through this together. I’m just at the beginning of this.
